It’s been awhile since my last blog. Not that anyone’s really following it anyways. But that’s besides the point, I didn’t make this, and I don’t post, to get followers. No, It’s to vent, To talk about the things on my mind. So let’s get to that.
Lately though, i’ve been thinking back on the past. Sure i’m only 24 but, everyone has regrets. For the most part i’ve always put a lot of thought into.. practically everything. I’ve always been rational about… everything. Life, Friends, Thoughts, Advice. You name it. I always… put a lot of thought into things. Always dissect it. I always tear it apart and over think things, but at the same time I generally have a better understanding of what goes on in peoples minds, of how they’ll react to specific things. It’s always been that way for me. Always worrying about things I shouldn’t and stressing long before it was my time to be burdened by those things.
Always I have been the one who thought everything through, and tried to not do things that I knew I would end up regretting and yet here I am wishing i had lived just a bit more. That I had been just a bit more confident… I look back into my facebook message box and I find all these profiles that are no longer there, people I have next to no chance of ever finding again in anyway, shape, form, or fashion no matter how good my googlefu is.
and I miss them. I miss our late night conversations, the way they made me smile and I regret being the way I am. I regret being so unable to make emotional attachments that anytime anyone gets close I either screw things up by my inability to let people in, i’m too blind to who they really are to take notice, or I just disappear from their lives.
And when I look back on those moments, I regret them. I regret building walls so strong and thick that no one is able to breach them. I regret letting me close myself off because of being hurt. I regret not letting people know that I think they’re beautiful and sweet and not telling them that I want them to tear down my walls and refuse to let me rebuild them. But most of all… I regret being strong. I regret always being, “Fine” for the sake of others. Don’t get me wrong.. I love the ability I have.
The ability to always make people smile, to always feel happy in their moments of weakness. I love being able to find someone about to break and lose it all and just say one little thing to them that makes them smile for just that second. I love it more than anything, but at the same time.. when you’re the “lighthouse” in this world of suck for others.. You can’t let them see you sad, or upset or depressed. It’s not that you turn fake, you just learn to lose yourself in the moment.
To let your mind be free and to just forget all your worries for just that moment so you can smile and laugh right along with them, but because of that.. no one ever asks if you’re okay, if you’re happy… no one ever knows you’re anything but “fine” because if they knew their lighthouse was fading… they’d no longer have a reason to smile and so you shoulder the burden of making them smile because for just a moment it truly makes you happy. You shoulder their pain because you know you can handle it.. and in the meantime it makes you strong.
So strong you’re about to break, you’re sad, depressed, you feel as though you’re alone in this world and you have no way out. No way to escape from the things that keep you in such a sad state of mind. That keep you feeling hopeless… So strong that you feel as though you have next to nothing in this world and you can’t even shed a single tear. It’s not as though I feel no pain, that I feel no emotion. I do.. It’s just that my body instinctually says “No. You can’t cry. You can’t break down” And does it’s own thing regardless of what you want on the inside, regardless of the fact you want to cry until your eyes ache.
I regret becoming that strong. I regret not making bonds with the people that loved me for who I was and I was too stupid to see it. I regret not taking chances to get to some some truly fantastic people. I regret not letting anyone inside. But at the same time, I am who I am because of being this way. I am in this world because of my ability to make those around me smile. Because of my ability to understand, and some how take the pain from those near me with naught but a joke or tease. If not for that I wouldn’t be here this very moment. I don’t regret making people smile or taking their pain for the moment, I regret letting those people slip through my fingers because of my inability to let someone see all that I am. To let them see their lighthouse vulnerable as well as strong.
I just, didn’t want to let them down… I didn’t want them to think me weak, for them to see just how badly i needed to make someone smile to assure myself I still had a place in this world.
Inner thought’s of an otherwise depressed mind.
Hello all, Not that many of you will ever probably read this. But that’s not the point, it’s not to get attention it’s to, say how I feel and all that jazz. I personally am rather new to “blogging” and all that. But anyways.
There I was, in my kitchen at 4 in the morning making bacon. Which I have come to realize is my comfort food for all intents and purposes. So, there I was. Frying it in the skillet with my tablet on the counter playing a playlist from my google music. Just singing along with the “core” song of the playlist which was, “world so cold” by three day’s grace. It was when I sung the lyrics to the first verse of the song, that I had sung many a time before, that I realized what they meant, and why I liked the song so much.
“I never thought I’d feel this, guilty and i’m broken down inside. Living with my self.. nothing but lies. I always thought i’d make it, but never thought i’d let it get so bad. Living with myself is all I have. I feel numb. I can’t come to life. I feel like i’m frozen in time.” Those are the lyrics, and maybe subconsciously I always understood the meaning, but it took today to realize. I personally am the kind of guy who’s honest about everything, bluntly so, I won’t lie to you. I won’t try to say what i know you want to hear. I will state how I feel and… I always thought the song “suited” me but the part about nothing but lies.. just didn’t fit, but i realized.. maybe I don’t lie to others, but I lie to myself. That I lie to keep myself going and from giving up knowing full well my self told lies.. would probably never come true.. And I just thought about how someone, could have so many great friends and yet… feel so alone, to feel frozen in time, to feel as though nothing would ever change. To feel like you’re just repeating the same day over, and over, and over again. This world, can truly be a cruel place. Some say when you die you go to purgatory, the resting place between heaven and hell (if you believe that) But I believe… I believe this world, this horrible yet, at times, wonderful place.. is purgatory.
*sighs* This world is an absolutely cruel place, and I believe if people just.. cared for others and other’s returned the favor to someone else that… it would be a better place, and that people like me who feel more alone in a crowded room then to be by yourself.. would finally feel they had something real to hold onto.
But, these are just my inner ramblings, and I want to thank you for reading.
“Nightmares are of our own making. They aren’t monsters that live under our beds. They aren’t the creatures we fear in the night. No, The thing that haunt us, that scare us in our dreams, that make us fear. The things that make us toss and turn for hour’s upon end as we try to drift into the sanctuary only dream’s provide.. The things that haunt out every moment are of our own creation. They are the regret’s we wish to forget, The memories we wish to remain buried. Slowly wiggling their way to the surface to burst through at our weakest moments. The darkness of mankind doesn’t come from around, From the world we live in. No, The darkness comes from within.. we bring life to the things we fear the most and in the end we are our own nightmare.”
“Love, the only power to completely heal all wounds or rend them so deep no one can ever hope to fix it..the most destructive force in existence…yet so desired by every living creature. Messed up huh?”
I am so broken..
Those moments when you feel confident. When you feel content. When you feel okay and yet, All it takes is a single song to make you feel as though you’ve crashed and burned. To make you feel as if you’re tumbling head over heals into the abyss that surrounds you. Like your whole world is caving in around you. My whole life, all i’ve wanted is to make other’s happy in there weakest moments. To make them smile when they’re about to break. To keep them from going over the edge.. To give them hope that things will get better. But, who’s there to save me from myself when my world crashs… Who’s there to give me a reason to smile. Who will be there when I need them the most to take the pain I hide so well… I am broken, I am damaged, and All I need is someone to save me..